I’m Sorry. And I love you.
A year ago, I was sitting at camp, looking into potential places to volunteer when I got back to the city. I had just finished reading Love is an Orientation by Andrew Marin, and he was a local… so I figured I could start there. Marin was raised a self-declared Bible-banging homophobe, and God met him right where he was. In the course of three months, three friends came out to Andrew, and he found himself at a cross-roads. He could have completely turned his back on these friends and walked away, unchanged. But he chose a higher road. He chose to love them and to learn what it means to love well, to love even the oft-flogged gay community well. Out of his experiences came a ministry, out of his ministry a book, out of his book a number of blogs recommending his ministry. And out of those blogs came my own involvement with them. 
One part of this involvement was attending the Pride Parade together with other people affiliated with the ministry, and we donned black shirts for the (extremely hot) day… shirts that proclaimed “I’m sorry.” The idea was to use the shirts as a conversation starter (Which oh, they were), apologizing to the LGBT community for the way the church has treated them… to apologize for people who shout hate and judgment Christians have thrown at them. It was a good day, the kind after which I go home and feel like I have just been able to catch a glimpse of what heaven looked like, and feel strangely fulfilled.
But I love the shirt.
And I haven’t quite stopped wearing it.
And I haven’t quite stopped wearing it.
One day when I was wearing the shirt, my aunt (who has been an out lesbian for as long as I can remember) asked me what I was sorry for. We were hanging out with a few other family members, telling jokes and making cracks on each other over lunch. I looked at her and said I was sorry for the way the church has often shoved the LGBT community outside of our doors, rather than welcoming them in. And sorry for the pain that’s caused. And sorry that not enough people looked into her eyes and said they loved her and that God loved her and that she shouldn’t have to be afraid of being hurt by the people who love Jesus.
She started crying.
Sobbing.
There, in the middle of the restaurant, my aunt (we say we’re each other’s favorites, but we’re not allowed to tell anyone else…) was broken because of a t-shirt I was wearing, and it opened the door for a question she’d never before asked me:
Have you ever been ashamed of me?
I… what?! No!
And out came the story… the reason she never came to the parties I invited her to… the services i invited her to… my graduation… hanging out with my friends… All this time, she’d known about my faith and thought, at some place deep inside, that even though we had a blast when we were hanging out together, that something would change if I took her around my friends… that I’d find a reason to be ashamed of being seen with her.
That knocked the wind clear out of me.
For as much as I loved my aunt… For as much as I invited her to every special event in my life… For as much as I envied her ability to be exactly who she is and never give it a second thought… For as much as I found unconditional acceptance in her arms… She wondered if I would feel those same things in my communities of friends, seeing as how they were largely Christian and Christians happened to be the people who judged and shoved her the most.
I looked at her and told her that on the contrary, that it had been my relationship with her that has made me vocal in those same communities about the way Christians treat the LGBT community, and has made me want to work with Andrew as he figures out how to elevate the conversation between LGBT communities and the church. Because she matters and because she’s taught me to see that every single person matters. And if they won’t matter to the world at large, they’ll matter to me.
That conversation cemented a lot of things in me. It confirmed that I was right to find Marin’s community of friends and walk with them through this process. It confirmed I was right to see that vulnerability is often not as far beneath the surface as we might be prone to believe. And it convicted me… for as much as I have been supportive and loving and understanding toward my aunt, I’d never looked her in the eyes and assured her that I love her completely, and could never, ever be ashamed of her.
I think I’m going to seize the moments to make those statements more often.
@Dane: Free from what, exactly?
Are you suggesting that Melinda cut herself off from her aunt? Until when? Do you think that will be helpful?
Just some thoughts…
melinda,
wow – that was so very well done. and well expressed here. i was thinking as i read what you told her to her face, “and then she’s going to break down and cry right there.” how can a person who has lived under shame not cry when someone she loves like you humbles themselves with such words as these? that’s the gospel.
incredible story melinda. thanks so much for sharing. so amazing to see the things that go unspoken and lies that we believe for soo long when once they are in the light and the truth is spoken, everything changes. what a testimony!
thank you, melinda!! shame about the comment about lgb community living under shame.
hey melinda, that is a great story, but very convicting. thanks for sharing. glad you came by and commented on my blog. i loved the link you shared. several of those illustrations made me smile. i’ll be seeing you around!
I’m Sorry you have denied the Written Word of God! Yes! Yes! Yes and 1,000 times YES we are to love and love and LOVE and LOVE and LOVE Gays and all people, but we are ALSO to tell them the truth, because Jesus said, “The TRUTH will SET YOU FREE,”[Jn. 8:32]
Our ONLY motive should be out of 100% LOVE with the sole purpose of SETTING PEOPLE FREE!!!!!!!
“The TRUTH will SET YOU FREE” [Jn. 8:32]
I’m Sorry you have denied God’s Word that says:
…”If a your brother sins, REBUKE him.” Says Jesus[Luke 17:3]. The original {Greek} word here means, “INTENSELY REBUKE and CHARGE him with FAULT.”
…God’s Word commands, “EXPOSE, CONVICT with SHAME” the deeds of darkness! {Eph. 5:11 Greek}
…God’s Word says, “Hold firmly to the trustworthy Word… EXPOSE, CONVICT with SHAME those who oppose it! [Titus 1:9 Greek].
…God’s Word says, “EXPOSE, CONVICT with SHAME and SHARPLY
and SEVERELY CUT” people! [Titus 1:13 Greek}]
“The TRUTH will SET YOU FREE” [Jn. 8:32]
I’m Sorry you have compromised God!
with 100% love, Dane
Thanks, Melinda. I appreciate you sharing this. I live in a small town where gays are a punchline, and it’s frustrating. Even otherwise good-hearted people I know don’t have much sympathy in this area. Let’s hope we see some things change in the coming years.
Dear Jon
Free from SIN! Read John 8:31-36. Jesus said clearly that the truth will set people free from sin! Hiding the truth will keep people bound by sin and Satan and his lies and damn them!
Preaching a soft…truth-less Gospel will help keep people poisoned and in chains to darkness and destroy them!
And cutting someone off is exactly the opposite of what Christ did…he “hung around” sinners…he did not hide in a Lukewarm truth-less church singing “Hallelia” while people were spiritually dying!
Melinda should wash her aunt’s feet…take her to dinner…give her gifts of love…serve her AND AT THE SAME TIME tell her the truth…the non-compromised truth that will keep her aunt from being damned to Hell!
It is truth that sets free and love is the greatest! [1 Cor. 13:13] “Speaking the truth in love,” says Ephesians 4:15.
With love and respect, Dane
Just some of God’s thoughts…
Dane:
Thanks so much for your comments on this blog! We can love someone and at the same time tell them the truth about what God says (out of Scripture) about a situation! If I saw my child was about to commit murder, for instance, or any other sin the Bible describes, even though I myself am a sinner, out of love for God and for my child, I would warn them as much as possible WITH LOVE that what he/she was about to do was wrong. And if that child deliberately rebelled against God and his parents, he/she would also know that by the grace of God and faith in Jesus Christ sins are forgiven — with REPENTANCE. NOT telling someone the possible consequences of sin is NOT love! We are all sinners, in need of a Savior.